Two Retirements At 25

January is the last month, a month that would end a service spanning almost two and a half decades. It's a very emotional moment; the job has been like a transparent window in an air-conditioned room, looking into the harsh landscape of the seething Savannah. I have not felt the window there, until now, when it's being removed, since now the economics of an air-conditioner might be a little difficult to handle.  A little more than a year back, i experienced another retirement, one that was not even as transparent as this one, and  one which dawned a new reality on me-a reality that was slightly uncomfortable. But this is another step in that same uncomfortable direction, and with another retirement, comes another dawn.

She had been working with the Delhi Government as a school teacher for almost 25 years now. He was a high ranking official with the Central Government. Together they both provided me a life that was comfortable, enriching, full of ambition, a life that was a cushion for sound sleep in the troubled times, a life that provided a safety net which would always hold my fall, however abrupt. Father retired more than a year back, and my mother would see her last working week starting this Monday. They have both been pillars to my existence, two wonderful pillars of power, strength, compassion, tolerance and love. But this week would now leave them both retired from their wonderful jobs. It seems like the most momentous week of my life, just as much it is of theirs. Their jobs have been only a part of what they have been to me all these years, but this part has been so significant. Not so much economically, as it has been emotionally. I have always seen them both in command, willing to handle all challenges that come to the family, ready to shelter me from all that they could. But now as they retire, times, they're changing.

God's own country!

I have been on a small hiatus from work lately, trying to use the time to introspect, to learn, to practice for exams, to try my hand at new and interesting things. I found myself lost in my job, a job that was as far from my ideal as it could be. I had to sit at a computer and code programs for e-commerce applications. I did it all reasonably well, and received a more than average hike when I joined my current company.  But still, the job has been a continuous struggle. I have never felt satisfied with my work over the last 3 years, having struggled to wake up each morning, finding it difficult to ever understand why i was doing what i did, kicking myself in the balls for going with the flow and not listening to my heart, a heart that had been suffocated for years.
Hence i decided to take a break from the job, to try and find solutions to my emotional penury. It has been some time now, and my plans have not unravelled the way they were planned to. My quest for an Indian MBA is all but shut, thanks to an unexpectedly dismal performance in the CAT (Common Admission Test, commonly used in India for selection to MBA colleges). I have been thinking of foraying into the media as well, through a media management course, or mass communication. I have been considering to write as a amateur as well.
International MBA has been on the plate too, and i have been working to give it my best shot for the last few weeks. I have been making plans obsessively for each new day, trying to stick to it with an equal obsession. The plan includes not just MBA prep, but also my media management course prep, mass communication research, ugly tidbits of writing here and there, some reading, some fun (The fun gets knocked off the list at times, considering its obvious low priority in the scheme of things).
For the MBA I have paid for an online course, bought a book, slotted in my GMAT test, shortlisted my universities and scraped my innards to muster all the inspiration that i could.
BUT, there's no income. My hiatus has been an unpaid one and there has been no new money coming in.

Now with both my parents almost retired, i feel the pinch even more.
i sometimes make effort to not feel like a liability. Although i have enough savings in my account to last me for more than a year, this feeling of vulnerability is very real. When this month ends, there will be no income coming into the family, only my parents pension. These are difficult times, and the least of it seems monetary for now. There is enough money coming in, there is respectable amount in my bank account, and there is some property to take us through any foreseeable trouble. Its more in the mind. With every passing month, I am not getting any money home, instead just toiling to follow some distant dream, a dream which is still so abstract. My parents who have worked hard and earned well all their lives are now retired at home. It scares the hell out of me!

God's own road!

Gosh! Wish i was perfect, at least the perfect son. But then, maybe, there are no such sons. For perfect comes from perseverance, from facing the testing times, from fighting the problems head on, and from persisting, whatever the odds may be. If one has a plan, and the resolve to reach the destination, as abstract as it may be, good things will happen.
May be not today, not tomorrow, but the coming week.

© Quasars Are Forever

He Came Like A Breath Of Fresh Air

Standing about 5 feet across he is waiting for the metro right at the front of the queue. I am standing at the queue to his left. Waiting. He is slim, yet muscled. I can see the thin-ness of his abdomen accentuated by the fullness of his well-built chest. From the collar of his t-shirt a few hairs are peeking out, just the tiny ones, similar to the ones part of his light stubble. He is eating a sandwich, looks like one from the Cafe Coffee Day at Rajiv Chowk metro station. I am heading to a class,  and waiting for the Blue Line metro towards Dwarka. Moments like these, when i am headed to a class, or a test, are usually strenuous and nervy, especially given my propensity to not ever be punctual. But yet moments like the one right at that moment make a feel so much better. A breath of fresh air he was, if only there was no girl accompanying him.

Like a breath of fresh air

I find guys beautiful. It is less the carnal attraction that a homosexual man feels towards another, an attraction which also gives us the image of being too horny all the time, and is more like a sweet, beautiful attraction towards another man, an attraction that makes one feel like talking to him, or just atleast keep looking at him. Wherever one may be, i always make it a point to appreciate the aesthetics of a boy around me, though ensuring that i never ever make him uncomfortable, unless being uncomforted is what he is looking for. More than any other place, it is the metro stations that are full of these beautiful people(read guys). Sometimes while walking out of the metro station, sometimes climbing into it through the stairs, sometimes on one of the historical lanes of Connaught Place, sometimes it is the inner circle, sometimes the outer, sometimes it is Starbucks, while sometimes, Subway, but all these moments are moments of little pleasure that make me forget the bad that is going around in life and focus on the good, the beautiful, the pleasant, the positive. I really appreciate them all, and mean no malice whatsoever. Though, it would always be a cheery on the cake moment, if one of those pleasant people happens to launch Grindr or PR on his phone and hence signals that he too appreciates beauty of the kind that i do.

© Quasars Are Forever

A Gay Indian Date!

Inner Circle, Connaught Place.

We are walking.

This is Connaught Place at the heart of New Delhi. The huge white pillars are passing us by on our right, as we walk along the inner circle of this magnificent shopping arcade. Above our left shoulders is the lush green Central park, the place to be for room-less lovebirds(of the heterosexual types, mostly). At the orders of the British, Connaught Place was built on a wild forested land in the early 20th century. It was supposed to be the shopping destination of the rich and the famous of Delhi. In scale it was built to overshadow any shopping district in the city at that time, and by quite a margin.

We were almost holding hands but somehow felt them getting repelled ever so soon. The evening sun is setting on us, giving way to a cool breeze, which is serving a welcome respite from a scorching summer day. We are walking more, talking less, feeling more, doing less. I am studying hard in my class and preparing for my MBA, according to my parents. Little do they know, that my classes last a little unusually longer these days. However hard the studies might have been, i have taken out some time for myself, and for him. He too has a yarn to spin and send back home, since most of us-the gay people here-are not just not out to family, but are not out to almost anybody.

Besides Connaught Place, the Britishers also left remnants of an archaic law which makes me and him illegal. According to article 377 of the Indian Constitution, carnal intercourse against the order of nature is punishable with imprisonment for life. Technically even the good old blow-job or an anal intercourse between a heterosexual couple is punishable. Now, a man and a woman might turn the laws of physics and the orders of nature inside out and upside down, but without installing cameras in every single bedroom of this country, its not possible for the authorities to even think of stopping it -- heck! they probably get close enough to a felony or two themselves every other night. But, things become pretty complicated for us homosexual people. Felony is all we can do in the bedroom, and thats why we are all criminals.

We are comfortable today. We are out to one more person each today. We feel this immense sense of carefree abandon that we might just fly away with a flutter of our wings. This moment is pleasure in its purest form, and we hold onto it, like a prostitute to her first cash. Nobody knows us better than we know each other. After all, there are very few people I am out to, and they are all the ones i have met here on a date. As we walk past hordes of people, we find each other checking out the same hot guys, peeking through the same falling necklines, and adoring the same smiles on the same men. For once, we find a slight social acceptance of our social behaviour, even if that acceptance is in one another. In the middle of all this, I am intentionally bumping into him every few minutes, just for the fun of it. The hands, well, they are still too shy to meet.

Evenings add to its charm

There is something so lovely about this moment and about this place that makes me high. I try my best to conceal it just as he tries to conceal something too, i wonder what. But its more about the emotion and less about the physicality of it. This is the most wonderful time of my week. This is the most wonderful place I can ever be. The dates here might have made me fall in love not just with the people but just as much with Connaught Place itself. This is the place that lets me be myself, without any prejudices. I feel loved here not just because of my companion, but because of this wonderful cloister that the place provides me. It makes me feel protected and cared for. The memory of the moments i have spent here with so many like myself, is probably one reason why I feel an almost subconscious love for this place. Or maybe it is the moments I have spent here, that i have fallen in love with.

Coffee at Starbucks (outer circle) to seal the day

This feeling might not be true just for myself. As me and my boy walk along the curved walkways, we see many like us. We know about them not because they are oozing with a homosexual effervescence, but because we have spotted them online, on one of the gay dating places-PlanetRomeo or Grindr. It is true for these people just as it is for me, that they too feel connected to the place and not just to the people. In the hustle-bustle of this modern metropolis, where it is criminal to be ourselves, it is Connaught Place that makes us feel at home. And it is these wonderful dates here, that make our evenings so special and makes us all feel a little bit more accepted. happy.

We take a right turn onto one of the radial roads, walk past the petrol pump to our right and reach Subway. After gobbling down 2 paneer tikka subs we venture out to look at the beautiful Statesman House. We cross the radial road to now walk along the outer circle. We see Starbucks approaching us from our right. We get there and sip 2 Caramel Macchiatos. Times running. We must hurry to reach home on time. We enter the metro from the less crowded gate number 4, and start our journeys back home. But yes, we will meet again. :)

© Quasars Are Forever

What The Fock!

The last time I enjoyed carefree was no time at all, it perhaps is a time long long forgotten. I see a robot in the mirror every morning now, who makes plans, obsesses over the minute minutes, and misses to add some life to those minutes.


The moment I am offered a plan to go out, a holiday, a weekend getaway, or company trip, my 'yes' dies a sudden death, and the 'no' conquers it all, albeit with an uncertainty, all too familiar. The things that 'normal' people would love to do seldom get anything more than a 'no' from me. A friend plans a new year's getaway to the lovely desert city, an almost perfect plan to welcome the new year, but all I can think of is my plans, my studies, my exams. The fact that I have planned another trip with my family down south doesn't help the cause one bit. But then, even the trip down under had only managed to elicit an extremely uncertain and shaky 'yes', more to assuage my parents and less to break away from my intentionally hectic schedule. From the time I could take decisions for myself, I have taken most decisions that would be as far away from self-indulgence and pleasure as it could be. I wonder why I'd do this to me. I wonder why I would say no to meeting people. I wonder why I would not break away from the fetters and breathe free for once. I wish I could understand myself more and I wish I could learn to enjoy a little amidst this anyways, difficult, penurious thing called life. In my want to want it all, I am probably losing it all, bit by bit, lost holiday by holiday, lost date by date. But then, I will fuck this shit. I am not letting me not enjoy things anymore. I will plan. I will plan to enjoy, plan to travel, plan to plan, minute by minute, minute detail by minute detail, and it will help for sure...or will it? FUCK!

© Quasars Are Forever