The last time I enjoyed carefree was no time at all, it perhaps is a time long long forgotten. I see a robot in the mirror every morning now, who makes plans, obsesses over the minute minutes, and misses to add some life to those minutes.
The moment I am offered a plan to go out, a holiday, a weekend getaway, or company trip, my 'yes' dies a sudden death, and the 'no' conquers it all, albeit with an uncertainty, all too familiar. The things that 'normal' people would love to do seldom get anything more than a 'no' from me. A friend plans a new year's getaway to the lovely desert city, an almost perfect plan to welcome the new year, but all I can think of is my plans, my studies, my exams. The fact that I have planned another trip with my family down south doesn't help the cause one bit. But then, even the trip down under had only managed to elicit an extremely uncertain and shaky 'yes', more to assuage my parents and less to break away from my intentionally hectic schedule. From the time I could take decisions for myself, I have taken most decisions that would be as far away from self-indulgence and pleasure as it could be. I wonder why I'd do this to me. I wonder why I would say no to meeting people. I wonder why I would not break away from the fetters and breathe free for once. I wish I could understand myself more and I wish I could learn to enjoy a little amidst this anyways, difficult, penurious thing called life. In my want to want it all, I am probably losing it all, bit by bit, lost holiday by holiday, lost date by date. But then, I will fuck this shit. I am not letting me not enjoy things anymore. I will plan. I will plan to enjoy, plan to travel, plan to plan, minute by minute, minute detail by minute detail, and it will help for sure...or will it? FUCK!
© Quasars Are Forever
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